It's been a while! For a brief update on my weight loss, at one point I got down to 160.something, and was so amped about it! I mostly did it by being amped up on stimulants (a prescription one for my mood, and caffeine that made it worse) that really aided in controlling my appetite. But problems soon arose: I talked with my psychiatrist about changing one of my medications to a more weight neutral one (weight neutral just means it isn't associated with weight gain for most people), and that caused my side effects of my stimulant medication, which were being held at bay by my old medication, to be exacerbated to an uncomfortable degree. Soon, we were cutting back on the stimulant medications, and increasing one of my other medications (I'm on 11 prescription medications, plus some recommended vitamin supplements as well right now). The medication we increased, one of the 2 major medications I take to control my bipolar disorder, is highly associated with weight gain. The result over the past couple of months has been an increase in my weight, mostly due to the loss of appetite control imparted by the stimulant medication, but those side effects made my daily life feel like I'd had beyond anyone's tolerable level of caffeine. Just super jittery, shaky, etc.
So, I'm back up to 170.something. At least I'm not all the way back up to 180, but if things continue the way they have been, it's possible I'll get there. Bipolar-wise, I'm doing much better. I still feel agitated and hypomanic (hypomania is an elevated mood state; many experience euphoria, but for many, it can just be expressed as agitation, in combination with increased activity, pressure of speech, compulsiveness and impulsiveness, and risky behaviors). I just wish I could feel normal. I'm on so many medications right now, I feel like a walking pharmacy. Seriously, I am 28. I know I'm overweight, but I am not obese, and I don't take any medications for anything other than my mental health. The fact that I have to use a large AM & PM daily week's-worth pill box AND a separate daily week's-worth pill box is annoying to the point of near agony. I swear, filling those things up at the beginning of the week every week is getting beyond old. Not to mention, I don't know what I'm going to do for vacations longer than 7 days! It's such a hassle.
I did go work out for the first time since the summer when I was on that kayaking and workout kick (another hypomanic episode in hindsight, which is always 20:20, and that in and of itself is particularly horrible for people living with bipolar disorder). I would like to be in a place where I don't feel agitated all day, but where I still have the energy and motivation to get out of the house and do things, whether it be chores, shopping, or exercise. I'd like to realistically exercise 30 minutes 3-4 times a week, even if it's just walking, and I'd like to realistically meditate 20 minutes a day (right now, I don't exercise or meditate regularly). I feel like both of these things would really help my mood situation, and hopefully I could eventually cut back on some of my medications over time (with my psychiatrist's guidance, of course). It just feels like I'm in limbo. Forever.
That's kind of where I am right now. Limbo. But I guess if you weren't living this life and you were looking from the outside, even from where my husband is, you might say I'm doing much better, even despite the weight SNAFU. That's okay, though-- I'm sure that once my medications are normalized (urghhhh) I'll be able to focus more on what I eat, and I know exercising and meditation will only help get me there sooner. I'll give you guys more updates in the future, but don't hold your breath! In the meantime, don't forget to check out my YouTube channel (bipolarlauren). I've made a lot of videos where I talk about bipolar disorder and what it's been like for me living with it day-to-day. Enjoy.
