It's been a while! For a brief update on my weight loss, at one point I got down to 160.something, and was so amped about it! I mostly did it by being amped up on stimulants (a prescription one for my mood, and caffeine that made it worse) that really aided in controlling my appetite. But problems soon arose: I talked with my psychiatrist about changing one of my medications to a more weight neutral one (weight neutral just means it isn't associated with weight gain for most people), and that caused my side effects of my stimulant medication, which were being held at bay by my old medication, to be exacerbated to an uncomfortable degree. Soon, we were cutting back on the stimulant medications, and increasing one of my other medications (I'm on 11 prescription medications, plus some recommended vitamin supplements as well right now). The medication we increased, one of the 2 major medications I take to control my bipolar disorder, is highly associated with weight gain. The result over the past couple of months has been an increase in my weight, mostly due to the loss of appetite control imparted by the stimulant medication, but those side effects made my daily life feel like I'd had beyond anyone's tolerable level of caffeine. Just super jittery, shaky, etc.
So, I'm back up to 170.something. At least I'm not all the way back up to 180, but if things continue the way they have been, it's possible I'll get there. Bipolar-wise, I'm doing much better. I still feel agitated and hypomanic (hypomania is an elevated mood state; many experience euphoria, but for many, it can just be expressed as agitation, in combination with increased activity, pressure of speech, compulsiveness and impulsiveness, and risky behaviors). I just wish I could feel normal. I'm on so many medications right now, I feel like a walking pharmacy. Seriously, I am 28. I know I'm overweight, but I am not obese, and I don't take any medications for anything other than my mental health. The fact that I have to use a large AM & PM daily week's-worth pill box AND a separate daily week's-worth pill box is annoying to the point of near agony. I swear, filling those things up at the beginning of the week every week is getting beyond old. Not to mention, I don't know what I'm going to do for vacations longer than 7 days! It's such a hassle.
I did go work out for the first time since the summer when I was on that kayaking and workout kick (another hypomanic episode in hindsight, which is always 20:20, and that in and of itself is particularly horrible for people living with bipolar disorder). I would like to be in a place where I don't feel agitated all day, but where I still have the energy and motivation to get out of the house and do things, whether it be chores, shopping, or exercise. I'd like to realistically exercise 30 minutes 3-4 times a week, even if it's just walking, and I'd like to realistically meditate 20 minutes a day (right now, I don't exercise or meditate regularly). I feel like both of these things would really help my mood situation, and hopefully I could eventually cut back on some of my medications over time (with my psychiatrist's guidance, of course). It just feels like I'm in limbo. Forever.
That's kind of where I am right now. Limbo. But I guess if you weren't living this life and you were looking from the outside, even from where my husband is, you might say I'm doing much better, even despite the weight SNAFU. That's okay, though-- I'm sure that once my medications are normalized (urghhhh) I'll be able to focus more on what I eat, and I know exercising and meditation will only help get me there sooner. I'll give you guys more updates in the future, but don't hold your breath! In the meantime, don't forget to check out my YouTube channel (bipolarlauren). I've made a lot of videos where I talk about bipolar disorder and what it's been like for me living with it day-to-day. Enjoy.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Monday, September 10, 2012
Oh how the times change
It's been another month, and I've lost a few pounds, for sure, but nowhere near as much as I thought I would. I know why. I'm not perfect about following my plan. I've even altered my plan to better allow me to follow it. Instead of sticking with the strict protein:carb:fat ratio I had laid out, I switched to just trying to stick between 1200 and 1300 calories a day. That's been easier, but I'm cheating too often. It's been slowing down the weight loss progress quite a bit.
Anyhow, I'm currently 168.9, which is awesome because I broke the 170's. But I would have liked to have lost more. I'm thinking of talking to my psychiatrist about switching some of my medications to those that are associated with less weight gain. Now would be the best time to do so, as I don't have any daily obligations. So that's what's been going on in that department.
I haven't been working out lately. First, it was shin splints. Then, I got sick. Then, it was shin splints again, and would you look at that! All those good habits out the window in what felt like an instant. I mean to get back into it, but it just hasn't happened yet. It feels like my life story at this point. I can't stick with anything anymore.
On the bright side, I'm looking forward to sitting on my butt playing video games with my husband this fall. Because 4 major multiplayer games are coming out over the course of the next 3 months. First, Borderlands 2. We loved playing Borderlands-- it was probably our favorite multiplayer game next to Halo 3. Just last night we dusted off the Xbox controllers just to play a little Borderlands to get back into the groove so we'll be ready when we finally get the new one. The next big multiplayer to come out is Resident Evil 6. Neither of us have played any of the previous Resident Evil games, but Resident Evil 5 was a very popular multiplayer, so we figured we'd give it a shot. Plus, who doesn't love killing zombies? After that, Halo 4 comes out. Halo is an amazing multiplayer game because the main campaign can be played both as local multiplayer AND with friends online, plus it has a history of having awesome online multiplayer gameplay as well. Then, finally, Call of Duty: Black Ops 2 is coming out mid-November. It has legendary online multiplayer gameplay, including the ever-popular "zombies" gameplay. It's been a favorite amongst our family ever since the original Black Ops came out.
Needless to say, this fall and winter isn't shaping up to be a particularly active time of my life, but it is going to be awesome nonetheless.
Are any of you looking forward to these games? If you have an Xbox, let us know so you can join in on our shenanigans!
Anyhow, I'm currently 168.9, which is awesome because I broke the 170's. But I would have liked to have lost more. I'm thinking of talking to my psychiatrist about switching some of my medications to those that are associated with less weight gain. Now would be the best time to do so, as I don't have any daily obligations. So that's what's been going on in that department.
I haven't been working out lately. First, it was shin splints. Then, I got sick. Then, it was shin splints again, and would you look at that! All those good habits out the window in what felt like an instant. I mean to get back into it, but it just hasn't happened yet. It feels like my life story at this point. I can't stick with anything anymore.
On the bright side, I'm looking forward to sitting on my butt playing video games with my husband this fall. Because 4 major multiplayer games are coming out over the course of the next 3 months. First, Borderlands 2. We loved playing Borderlands-- it was probably our favorite multiplayer game next to Halo 3. Just last night we dusted off the Xbox controllers just to play a little Borderlands to get back into the groove so we'll be ready when we finally get the new one. The next big multiplayer to come out is Resident Evil 6. Neither of us have played any of the previous Resident Evil games, but Resident Evil 5 was a very popular multiplayer, so we figured we'd give it a shot. Plus, who doesn't love killing zombies? After that, Halo 4 comes out. Halo is an amazing multiplayer game because the main campaign can be played both as local multiplayer AND with friends online, plus it has a history of having awesome online multiplayer gameplay as well. Then, finally, Call of Duty: Black Ops 2 is coming out mid-November. It has legendary online multiplayer gameplay, including the ever-popular "zombies" gameplay. It's been a favorite amongst our family ever since the original Black Ops came out.
Needless to say, this fall and winter isn't shaping up to be a particularly active time of my life, but it is going to be awesome nonetheless.
Are any of you looking forward to these games? If you have an Xbox, let us know so you can join in on our shenanigans!
Friday, August 24, 2012
A little education on bipolar disorder from the insider's viewpoint.
This post is long, I know. I've tried to provide headers for reference if you don't want to read it all in one sitting, and so you can scroll to the more interesting parts.
IMPORTANT: I am not a medical doctor. My intention is not to provide advice, but rather to provide perspective and information. Some of you may find some of the situations discussed herein uncomfortable, so be forewarned.
Why Me?
We've all had tough times. Some have had tougher times than others, of course. There were times that I felt like my bipolar disorder was due to karma from various bad decisions I had made throughout life coming back to bite me in the ass. Other times, I couldn't help but wallow in the "woe is me, I don't deserve this" feeling that I know too many of you are familiar with. I am an atheist. (Disclaimer: I'm not afraid to admit that I am an atheist, but I'm going to kindly request that you keep your opinions about how I need to be saved to yourselves; this is my "religion," please respect it.) The reason I bring up being an atheist is that it can make dilemmas about why and how certain things happen a little more complicated than, for example, "God has a plan," or, "Is God punishing me for my sins?" When you are an atheist, there can't really be a higher reason for why bad things happen to you. It's not because of "karma," and there isn't really any reason you don't "deserve" something just because you've been a relatively "good" person, morally speaking (yes, atheists believe in morals; I'd be happy to explain if you're interested). But still, I can't help but have these thoughts, despite their conflict with my "religious" beliefs. Personally, I think it's due to how society has affected me. Most of society believes in a higher power, one that may judge us based on our choices, and especially so where I've grown up. It's hard to escape thinking that's been imprinted on you basically since birth, regardless of my current beliefs.
My point is this: when I get in a funk, I can't help but waver between the "I had this coming" and "I don't deserve this" mindset. Particularly when it comes to my bipolar disorder. Which is kind of ridiculous, especially since I believe it's entirely due to genetics and upbringing (while this is a widely accepted concept of the disorder, I can't speak for every bipolar patient ever). Chemical imbalances in my brain give me the inability to regulate emotions the way a "normal," healthy person can, and aspects of my upbringing have imparted certain triggers that can cause me to have episodes one way or the other (manic episodes, depressive episodes, or mixed episodes in rare cases). But nothing about these scientific explanations makes me feel any better.
Will there ever be a cure?
There is never going to be a cure for this. It's not like the flu, where you can develop a drug or vaccine to target a specific causative agent, which, in the case of the flu, would be a virus. And, as I'm sure you're aware, even fighting the flu isn't as simple as A-B-C. With bipolar disorder, there is, in layman's terms, something "wrong" with several of my genes, not just one minor error, but likely several errors in several genes on several chromosomes (and it's not yet known precisely which genes, or if there's even a common pattern of genetic anomalies between all bipolar individuals). It's not likely this can be treated without some sort of drastic gene therapy, and that's too complicated a problem for me to even attempt to touch on in this discussion. It's a near impossibility in an adult who has already grown up, physically speaking, especially in my lifetime. Not to mention, it's not a big enough issue for science to want to spend that much attention (read: money) to at the genetic rehabilitation level at this time.
In addition, as I said earlier, upbringing also has a lot to do with the development of the disorder. I'm not going to talk about the specifics of how my upbringing affected me, because that's very personal, and as there are two sides (and sometimes more) to every story, it would also be unfair to others involved. But, we're talking about the likelihood of a cure, here. Assuming I have access to the best therapists in the world, and have unlimited time to work with them talking through my history, how long do you think it would take for me to be "emotionally" cured? If you answered "never," you're right. Most people never fully recover from a trauma. If you've ever lost a loved one, you know what I mean. It's a terrible pain. The best you can hope for is to learn how to manage the pain. There will never be a cure for it. Many individuals who suffer from mental illnesses, especially stress-triggered ones like bipolar disorder, have suffered some form of trauma, the type of trauma that causes pain that can never be fully healed. Some people may even suppress the memories of the trauma, but the pain still remains.
What's it like looking back on your episodes when you're stable?
My experience with bipolar disorder is hard to explain. It's the thing in my life I struggle with daily, the thing I would give a great deal for in order to change. It can be blamed for many of my bad decisions. Some people say they don't have regrets because even the bad things have helped them grow into the person they are today, a better, stronger person. But some of the things I did while "under the influence" of my bipolar disorder were things that I really do regret, despite the good things that may have grown from the pain and the lessons associated with the aftermath of those poor decisions. Imagine not being able to trust yourself. Imagine being AFRAID of yourself. Imagine that you could change at any moment, without warning... you might become literally insane before you or anyone around you realizes it, and it could cause you to make a mistake you won't get a chance to regret because you might not survive in order to regret it. It happens, and not uncommonly.
Can you explain how treatment works?
Bipolar disorder is extremely difficult to treat. Sure, you may have heard that Lithium has been used to treat manic depressive disorder since before you were born, but what you don't understand is that every single individual's bipolar disorder is different, and reacts differently to different medications. Finding the perfect cocktail of medications at the perfect doses that cause limited or acceptable side effects can take literally decades. Right now, I feel I'm in a very good place, mood-wise. But is that because of my medications, or because I'm in-between episodes? I am smart enough not to test the theory by discontinuing my medications. I know now that discontinuing my medications could kill me by causing me to become suicidal, to take unsafe risks, to become negligent. It's not worth it to test that theory out. But what if my medications aren't actually working? What if I go crazy again? What if I have a particularly bad episode and the medications aren't enough? All I can do is hope that my support system, my family and friends and doctors, can help me recognize that I'm slipping before it's too late.
My medications. My crutch, outside of my family and friends. I have 10 prescriptions, 2 of which are not psychiatric drugs. I won't give specifics, but I'll clue you in to what my average day is like, medication-wise.
2 pills 45-minutes before I eat: prescription Thyroid pill for my borderline hypothyroidism to increase my energy, as well as a prescription stimulant for energy and motivation.
7 pills with breakfast: 2 multivitamins (this is just the normal serving size, not me doubling up), 1 fish oil capsule, 1 antipsychotic used to treat depression, 1 mood stabilizer, 1 prescription folate supplement shown to help with depression, 1 antibiotic for acne.
2 pills and a gel at nighttime: 1 antipsychotic (different from the one above and MUCH stronger dose), 1 mood stabilizer (same as above, but double dose), antibiotic gel for acne.
As needed: a prescription to treat anxiety (I actually never take this).
I am one of those people who rolls their eyes inwardly when someone says they have a hard time swallowing a pill larger than a single aspirin. I can take all 7 of my breakfast pills in one handfull, in one swallow. I can actually take more pills than that, and have in the past. It's a talent I've acquired via an unfortunate history of prescription medications.
To think: I spent most of my life up until, oh 2008? Taking nothing but a prescription for allergies, some birth control, and whatever was needed to tread various injuries or ailments. Now, and for the remainder of my life, I'll be taking enough medications that I carry around one single-row week-long pillbox, and another double-row week-long pillbox (together, these take up quite a bit of space and are a pain to travel with).
How do the medications make you feel?
The medications make me feel normal. That's the short version. The long version... well, it's complicated. I laugh when things are funny. I cry when things are sad. I can have fun. I can get upset. But things in my brain move a little slower. I really don't notice it much now, and the medications I take now are worlds better than some of the others I've taken in the past. It's sometimes hard for me to think of words. That's probably one of the first problems I noticed as far as mind-sluggishness goes. Also, the antipsychotic I take at night could knock a horse out. Once that's in my system, I get very sleepy. But I'm lucky in that it doesn't make it too difficult to wake up in the morning, which can be a common problem. My other medications don't cause any other noticeable day-to-day side effects, except the stimulant, which makes me a little jumpy, and that can vary with my mood. What I HATE about my medications isn't that I have to take them daily, which I actually don't mind too much, but that they have made me gain a ton of weight. Unfortunately, that's a very common side effect of a couple of the drugs I take. There are other drugs available that can be better for the metabolism, but I'm feeling stable enough now that I don't want to risk changing my medications.
The biggest point I want to make here is that I do not feel like a zombie, and I do not act like a zombie. That's a huge improvement over medications I've personally taken in the past, and especially over medications used in past generations to treat mental illnesses in general.
What have your experiences been during hospitalizations?
I've been hospitalized 3 times, and 2 of those times were within about 2 months of each other. Each one was at a different facility. I won't name facilities, but I'll tell you a bit about how my experiences differed. Note: each time I was hospitalized was due to suicidal ideation. The general rule is that you will be hospitalized for at least one night if you exhibit that you are a danger to yourself or others.
The first experience I had, I was somewhere between cooperative and resistant when it came to my hospitalization. They take all potentially dangerous objects from you, including shoelaces, drawstrings, even zippers (sometimes; this can vary from facility to facility). You are not allowed to keep anything in your room except your clothes and maybe a picture out of the frame, or some papers. The first two places I stayed allowed me to have a quilt from home and some coloring books and pencils, though the pencils, along with personal hygiene supplies, were kept at the nurse's desk and were only provided upon request. The first hospital separated suicidal patients from psychotic patients (psychosis, if you don't know, is when you have hallucinations or delusions, or in other words, see, hear, or believe things that are not true or real) for the most part. We only interacted with the psychotic patients when we had arts and crafts time and when we ate meals. Our day was highly scheduled, with meals, group therapies, game time, arts and crafts time, television time, and hygiene time blocked out for the most part. All of your medications are rationed out at specific times of the day, and you are expected to take them in front of the nurses. They don't check your mouth like they do in movies. I think I spent 2 or 3 nights there, I don't really remember. I do remember that the first 24 hours was probably one of the worst 24 hours of my entire life.
My second hospitalization was at the county hospital, which is where they take crazy homeless people. Supposedly it was because of some mix-up with my doctor. It's a really long story, but I'm still infuriated by it. I think I spent 2 nights there. Definitely no more. They didn't have many rules, basically just don't start fights. I was so cooperative they released me pretty early. They didn't have activities or anything, just food and TV. It sucked and didn't help much with recovery.
My third hospitalization was a place known for providing better care and keeping their patients for much longer time periods than any of the other hospitals I'd stayed at or heard about in the area. I was there for 6 nights. They were the strictest about what we were allowed and where and how, etc., and it made sense considering that about half of the patients who were there were psychotic in some way, and the other half were just suicidal. It was a bit uncomfortable for me, because my roommate, while sweet, was pretty delusional and very wired, and I couldn't really get a moment to myself. She always wanted me to draw something or color her a picture. It was pretty annoying, but kind of sweet, too, in an odd way. We had group therapy, individual therapy, an assigned psychiatrist, more individualized care and close medical monitoring... it felt safe, which was what I needed. It was the first place I felt like I was actually getting the treatment I needed for my immediate pathology.
In general, the hospitalizations were a lot like you see in movies. Medications given in little cups that you take getting stared down by a nurse. No plasticware aside from a spoon. No privacy. But the part that was different, for me, at least, was that sense of being robbed of my rights and being mistreated like is so often portrayed in movies. It wasn't fun, and I'm doing my best to avoid it again, but honestly, it wasn't so bad. If you just take a second to realize that the caretakers are there to keep you and the other patients safe, it makes it a lot easier to swallow.
What happened after being released? Certainly you weren't magically cured.
No magical, quick cure. The third hospitalization got me started on the medications that form the base of my current medical regimen. But all they did was keep me there long enough to take a test and confirm that my medication was within therapeutic levels in my blood. After all 3 hospitalizations, I went to the same long-term group therapy program. It was life changing, honestly. I spent every weekday from about 8:30 to 4:30 going to group therapy and seeing a psychiatrist 2 or 3 times a week for 5 or 6 weeks. Yes, it was intensive. But it helped me on more levels than I can say. Not only did I meet people who I could relate to and who could provide me with wisdom from their own experiences, but it allowed me the time to find out who I was. Once I "graduated" from this program, I continued seeing my regular psychiatrist (who I see monthly now that I am stable) and my regular therapist (who I see once every week to two weeks, or more often as needed). It's what's working for me.
That sums most of it up. If you have any other questions about my experiences, feel free to comment below, or message me on facebook, what have you. I am a huge proponent of educating as many people as possible about the realities of mental illness, and I'd be happy to share.
IMPORTANT: I am not a medical doctor. My intention is not to provide advice, but rather to provide perspective and information. Some of you may find some of the situations discussed herein uncomfortable, so be forewarned.
Why Me?
We've all had tough times. Some have had tougher times than others, of course. There were times that I felt like my bipolar disorder was due to karma from various bad decisions I had made throughout life coming back to bite me in the ass. Other times, I couldn't help but wallow in the "woe is me, I don't deserve this" feeling that I know too many of you are familiar with. I am an atheist. (Disclaimer: I'm not afraid to admit that I am an atheist, but I'm going to kindly request that you keep your opinions about how I need to be saved to yourselves; this is my "religion," please respect it.) The reason I bring up being an atheist is that it can make dilemmas about why and how certain things happen a little more complicated than, for example, "God has a plan," or, "Is God punishing me for my sins?" When you are an atheist, there can't really be a higher reason for why bad things happen to you. It's not because of "karma," and there isn't really any reason you don't "deserve" something just because you've been a relatively "good" person, morally speaking (yes, atheists believe in morals; I'd be happy to explain if you're interested). But still, I can't help but have these thoughts, despite their conflict with my "religious" beliefs. Personally, I think it's due to how society has affected me. Most of society believes in a higher power, one that may judge us based on our choices, and especially so where I've grown up. It's hard to escape thinking that's been imprinted on you basically since birth, regardless of my current beliefs.
My point is this: when I get in a funk, I can't help but waver between the "I had this coming" and "I don't deserve this" mindset. Particularly when it comes to my bipolar disorder. Which is kind of ridiculous, especially since I believe it's entirely due to genetics and upbringing (while this is a widely accepted concept of the disorder, I can't speak for every bipolar patient ever). Chemical imbalances in my brain give me the inability to regulate emotions the way a "normal," healthy person can, and aspects of my upbringing have imparted certain triggers that can cause me to have episodes one way or the other (manic episodes, depressive episodes, or mixed episodes in rare cases). But nothing about these scientific explanations makes me feel any better.
Will there ever be a cure?
There is never going to be a cure for this. It's not like the flu, where you can develop a drug or vaccine to target a specific causative agent, which, in the case of the flu, would be a virus. And, as I'm sure you're aware, even fighting the flu isn't as simple as A-B-C. With bipolar disorder, there is, in layman's terms, something "wrong" with several of my genes, not just one minor error, but likely several errors in several genes on several chromosomes (and it's not yet known precisely which genes, or if there's even a common pattern of genetic anomalies between all bipolar individuals). It's not likely this can be treated without some sort of drastic gene therapy, and that's too complicated a problem for me to even attempt to touch on in this discussion. It's a near impossibility in an adult who has already grown up, physically speaking, especially in my lifetime. Not to mention, it's not a big enough issue for science to want to spend that much attention (read: money) to at the genetic rehabilitation level at this time.
In addition, as I said earlier, upbringing also has a lot to do with the development of the disorder. I'm not going to talk about the specifics of how my upbringing affected me, because that's very personal, and as there are two sides (and sometimes more) to every story, it would also be unfair to others involved. But, we're talking about the likelihood of a cure, here. Assuming I have access to the best therapists in the world, and have unlimited time to work with them talking through my history, how long do you think it would take for me to be "emotionally" cured? If you answered "never," you're right. Most people never fully recover from a trauma. If you've ever lost a loved one, you know what I mean. It's a terrible pain. The best you can hope for is to learn how to manage the pain. There will never be a cure for it. Many individuals who suffer from mental illnesses, especially stress-triggered ones like bipolar disorder, have suffered some form of trauma, the type of trauma that causes pain that can never be fully healed. Some people may even suppress the memories of the trauma, but the pain still remains.
What's it like looking back on your episodes when you're stable?
My experience with bipolar disorder is hard to explain. It's the thing in my life I struggle with daily, the thing I would give a great deal for in order to change. It can be blamed for many of my bad decisions. Some people say they don't have regrets because even the bad things have helped them grow into the person they are today, a better, stronger person. But some of the things I did while "under the influence" of my bipolar disorder were things that I really do regret, despite the good things that may have grown from the pain and the lessons associated with the aftermath of those poor decisions. Imagine not being able to trust yourself. Imagine being AFRAID of yourself. Imagine that you could change at any moment, without warning... you might become literally insane before you or anyone around you realizes it, and it could cause you to make a mistake you won't get a chance to regret because you might not survive in order to regret it. It happens, and not uncommonly.
Can you explain how treatment works?
Bipolar disorder is extremely difficult to treat. Sure, you may have heard that Lithium has been used to treat manic depressive disorder since before you were born, but what you don't understand is that every single individual's bipolar disorder is different, and reacts differently to different medications. Finding the perfect cocktail of medications at the perfect doses that cause limited or acceptable side effects can take literally decades. Right now, I feel I'm in a very good place, mood-wise. But is that because of my medications, or because I'm in-between episodes? I am smart enough not to test the theory by discontinuing my medications. I know now that discontinuing my medications could kill me by causing me to become suicidal, to take unsafe risks, to become negligent. It's not worth it to test that theory out. But what if my medications aren't actually working? What if I go crazy again? What if I have a particularly bad episode and the medications aren't enough? All I can do is hope that my support system, my family and friends and doctors, can help me recognize that I'm slipping before it's too late.
My medications. My crutch, outside of my family and friends. I have 10 prescriptions, 2 of which are not psychiatric drugs. I won't give specifics, but I'll clue you in to what my average day is like, medication-wise.
2 pills 45-minutes before I eat: prescription Thyroid pill for my borderline hypothyroidism to increase my energy, as well as a prescription stimulant for energy and motivation.
7 pills with breakfast: 2 multivitamins (this is just the normal serving size, not me doubling up), 1 fish oil capsule, 1 antipsychotic used to treat depression, 1 mood stabilizer, 1 prescription folate supplement shown to help with depression, 1 antibiotic for acne.
2 pills and a gel at nighttime: 1 antipsychotic (different from the one above and MUCH stronger dose), 1 mood stabilizer (same as above, but double dose), antibiotic gel for acne.
As needed: a prescription to treat anxiety (I actually never take this).
I am one of those people who rolls their eyes inwardly when someone says they have a hard time swallowing a pill larger than a single aspirin. I can take all 7 of my breakfast pills in one handfull, in one swallow. I can actually take more pills than that, and have in the past. It's a talent I've acquired via an unfortunate history of prescription medications.
To think: I spent most of my life up until, oh 2008? Taking nothing but a prescription for allergies, some birth control, and whatever was needed to tread various injuries or ailments. Now, and for the remainder of my life, I'll be taking enough medications that I carry around one single-row week-long pillbox, and another double-row week-long pillbox (together, these take up quite a bit of space and are a pain to travel with).
How do the medications make you feel?
The medications make me feel normal. That's the short version. The long version... well, it's complicated. I laugh when things are funny. I cry when things are sad. I can have fun. I can get upset. But things in my brain move a little slower. I really don't notice it much now, and the medications I take now are worlds better than some of the others I've taken in the past. It's sometimes hard for me to think of words. That's probably one of the first problems I noticed as far as mind-sluggishness goes. Also, the antipsychotic I take at night could knock a horse out. Once that's in my system, I get very sleepy. But I'm lucky in that it doesn't make it too difficult to wake up in the morning, which can be a common problem. My other medications don't cause any other noticeable day-to-day side effects, except the stimulant, which makes me a little jumpy, and that can vary with my mood. What I HATE about my medications isn't that I have to take them daily, which I actually don't mind too much, but that they have made me gain a ton of weight. Unfortunately, that's a very common side effect of a couple of the drugs I take. There are other drugs available that can be better for the metabolism, but I'm feeling stable enough now that I don't want to risk changing my medications.
The biggest point I want to make here is that I do not feel like a zombie, and I do not act like a zombie. That's a huge improvement over medications I've personally taken in the past, and especially over medications used in past generations to treat mental illnesses in general.
What have your experiences been during hospitalizations?
I've been hospitalized 3 times, and 2 of those times were within about 2 months of each other. Each one was at a different facility. I won't name facilities, but I'll tell you a bit about how my experiences differed. Note: each time I was hospitalized was due to suicidal ideation. The general rule is that you will be hospitalized for at least one night if you exhibit that you are a danger to yourself or others.
The first experience I had, I was somewhere between cooperative and resistant when it came to my hospitalization. They take all potentially dangerous objects from you, including shoelaces, drawstrings, even zippers (sometimes; this can vary from facility to facility). You are not allowed to keep anything in your room except your clothes and maybe a picture out of the frame, or some papers. The first two places I stayed allowed me to have a quilt from home and some coloring books and pencils, though the pencils, along with personal hygiene supplies, were kept at the nurse's desk and were only provided upon request. The first hospital separated suicidal patients from psychotic patients (psychosis, if you don't know, is when you have hallucinations or delusions, or in other words, see, hear, or believe things that are not true or real) for the most part. We only interacted with the psychotic patients when we had arts and crafts time and when we ate meals. Our day was highly scheduled, with meals, group therapies, game time, arts and crafts time, television time, and hygiene time blocked out for the most part. All of your medications are rationed out at specific times of the day, and you are expected to take them in front of the nurses. They don't check your mouth like they do in movies. I think I spent 2 or 3 nights there, I don't really remember. I do remember that the first 24 hours was probably one of the worst 24 hours of my entire life.
My second hospitalization was at the county hospital, which is where they take crazy homeless people. Supposedly it was because of some mix-up with my doctor. It's a really long story, but I'm still infuriated by it. I think I spent 2 nights there. Definitely no more. They didn't have many rules, basically just don't start fights. I was so cooperative they released me pretty early. They didn't have activities or anything, just food and TV. It sucked and didn't help much with recovery.
My third hospitalization was a place known for providing better care and keeping their patients for much longer time periods than any of the other hospitals I'd stayed at or heard about in the area. I was there for 6 nights. They were the strictest about what we were allowed and where and how, etc., and it made sense considering that about half of the patients who were there were psychotic in some way, and the other half were just suicidal. It was a bit uncomfortable for me, because my roommate, while sweet, was pretty delusional and very wired, and I couldn't really get a moment to myself. She always wanted me to draw something or color her a picture. It was pretty annoying, but kind of sweet, too, in an odd way. We had group therapy, individual therapy, an assigned psychiatrist, more individualized care and close medical monitoring... it felt safe, which was what I needed. It was the first place I felt like I was actually getting the treatment I needed for my immediate pathology.
In general, the hospitalizations were a lot like you see in movies. Medications given in little cups that you take getting stared down by a nurse. No plasticware aside from a spoon. No privacy. But the part that was different, for me, at least, was that sense of being robbed of my rights and being mistreated like is so often portrayed in movies. It wasn't fun, and I'm doing my best to avoid it again, but honestly, it wasn't so bad. If you just take a second to realize that the caretakers are there to keep you and the other patients safe, it makes it a lot easier to swallow.
What happened after being released? Certainly you weren't magically cured.
No magical, quick cure. The third hospitalization got me started on the medications that form the base of my current medical regimen. But all they did was keep me there long enough to take a test and confirm that my medication was within therapeutic levels in my blood. After all 3 hospitalizations, I went to the same long-term group therapy program. It was life changing, honestly. I spent every weekday from about 8:30 to 4:30 going to group therapy and seeing a psychiatrist 2 or 3 times a week for 5 or 6 weeks. Yes, it was intensive. But it helped me on more levels than I can say. Not only did I meet people who I could relate to and who could provide me with wisdom from their own experiences, but it allowed me the time to find out who I was. Once I "graduated" from this program, I continued seeing my regular psychiatrist (who I see monthly now that I am stable) and my regular therapist (who I see once every week to two weeks, or more often as needed). It's what's working for me.
That sums most of it up. If you have any other questions about my experiences, feel free to comment below, or message me on facebook, what have you. I am a huge proponent of educating as many people as possible about the realities of mental illness, and I'd be happy to share.
Saturday, August 4, 2012
It's August Somehow
Since it's the beginning of August, I figure I owe you guys a check-in. Last Friday July 27th until the 30th we were in the Denver area. Friday we spent in Rocky Mountain National Park, and holy cow did that 12,000 feet get to me! It was exhausting just walking up a hill for a few minutes. Saturday, while my husband played in an ultimate frisbee tourney in Boulder, my Aunt and cousin and I spent the day in Black Hawk gambling on penny slots. We got back in time to watch my husband finish his last game before it started raining (it's monsoon season there, so it rained every afternoon and kept the temperatures down in the seventies!), and then we went for dinner in the mountains overlooking the city. On Sunday, us girls went shopping at the mall, while the husband played more ultimate. We dropped my cousin off at the airport, and we ate pizza for dinner and watched some movies to end the night. Monday, we went to the downtown Denver aquarium, which was really amazing, and afterward chatted until it was time for us to leave for the airport. So, it was an awesome weekend filled with awesome people. But also filled with lots and lots of a little too awesome food.
When we got back, I was scared to weigh myself. But, I bit the bullet and had only gained about a pound since my last weigh-in before we left. And since I've been home, I've been easing back into my diet, but I wasn't good about exercising. However, this morning I was graced with some good news. Here are my numbers:
Weight: 172.1
Waist: 34.5"
Hips: 45.5"
Body Fat %: 35.1%
So, I'm a little disconcerted about the body fat % number. I expected more of a decrease, but I don't know how reliable my scale really is with regard to measuring body fat. We will see how it trends over the next few weeks. But I'm happy with the other numbers.
This upcoming Monday, I'm picking back up with my couch-to-5k program. I had to slack off due to shin splints. Now, I have new shoes (my old ones were more than 2 years old and I had trained for a half-marathon and ran said half-marathon while it rained the entire time). My new shoes are the same model as my last two pairs, just updated for this year. I love my Asics Gel Kayanos. I will forever and always buy them as my running shoe. I have never found a shoe that is more comfortable, stable, and has the right flexibility and support for me. I LOVE them, and they are totally worth the money. Especially if you're a heel striker like I tend to be.
When we got back, I was scared to weigh myself. But, I bit the bullet and had only gained about a pound since my last weigh-in before we left. And since I've been home, I've been easing back into my diet, but I wasn't good about exercising. However, this morning I was graced with some good news. Here are my numbers:
Weight: 172.1
Waist: 34.5"
Hips: 45.5"
Body Fat %: 35.1%
So, I'm a little disconcerted about the body fat % number. I expected more of a decrease, but I don't know how reliable my scale really is with regard to measuring body fat. We will see how it trends over the next few weeks. But I'm happy with the other numbers.
This upcoming Monday, I'm picking back up with my couch-to-5k program. I had to slack off due to shin splints. Now, I have new shoes (my old ones were more than 2 years old and I had trained for a half-marathon and ran said half-marathon while it rained the entire time). My new shoes are the same model as my last two pairs, just updated for this year. I love my Asics Gel Kayanos. I will forever and always buy them as my running shoe. I have never found a shoe that is more comfortable, stable, and has the right flexibility and support for me. I LOVE them, and they are totally worth the money. Especially if you're a heel striker like I tend to be.
From Left to right: Asics Gel Kayano 18, 16, 15
I'm doing great. I'm getting back into exercising, and I'm feeling motivated and more like I want to do more things. It's wonderful, and something I haven't felt for much too long: since I got out of the hospital in January, pretty much. So, mentally, I'm FINALLY strong and healthy. I'm even looking into applying for receptionist positions so I can make a little more money for personal expenses as well as household expenses. It's something I feel emotionally ready for. Managing other people's problems is something I feel I can handle. Doing research is much, much more stressful than the average non-scientist could ever understand. All the unknowns in the research itself, the unpredictability, the unreliability, the endless repeats, the stress of a grant looming over your head... it was too much for me, and I will likely never work in research again. Teaching college was something else: the responsibility of other people's education was pretty stressful, and I hated grading papers! So, I think a receptionist-type job will be a step down, and in a different direction, and at least something I don't feel I'll be locked in to long-term.
That's about it for now. I'll keep you all updated on the job hunt, if there is anything to update on. In the meantime, I wish you all a happy and healthy month!
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Slow, but going...
It seems like it's been so long already, but according to my first entry in MyFitnessPal, it's only been about 3 weeks. Crazy!
Weekends away from home are the hardest. It's hard not to give in to the pizza and fries, and I do give in to them. Once in a while, that's okay. But not 3 days in a row. All of a sudden, I've blown a whole week's worth of work.
I have noticed changes in my body that aren't considerably measurable. Increased energy, desire to be more active, and slight visible changes as well. I think I'm okay with weighing myself daily, even recording it daily, but I'll only be checking in with my numbers here once a month or so.
I've been working out about 5 or 6 days a week, kayaking on average twice a week and the other 3 or 4 days doing a workout video, Nike Training Club workout, or cleaning at the local humane society for 3 hours. You'll notice that none of that is running. I pushed myself too hard during my last training run and got some bad shin splints. Now that my shins are healed, I'm going to start back up with my couch to 5k program next Wednesday. I also still haven't started my boot camp classes, because every time I call about activating my Groupon, it goes to voicemail and no one calls me back. Oh well.
That's about it with me lately. I've been doing a lot of DIY projects and finally convinced my husband to do the floors in the kitchen and entryway. And this weekend we are going on a trip to the Denver area to visit my aunt in Arvada, and my husband will be playing ultimate frisbee in a tournament in Boulder. I cannot wait for the cooler temperatures and to visit my aunt who I so very rarely get to see.
Also: I've been considering a Bodybugg. Pros and cons, anyone? Advice and suggestions welcome!!
Weekends away from home are the hardest. It's hard not to give in to the pizza and fries, and I do give in to them. Once in a while, that's okay. But not 3 days in a row. All of a sudden, I've blown a whole week's worth of work.
I have noticed changes in my body that aren't considerably measurable. Increased energy, desire to be more active, and slight visible changes as well. I think I'm okay with weighing myself daily, even recording it daily, but I'll only be checking in with my numbers here once a month or so.
I've been working out about 5 or 6 days a week, kayaking on average twice a week and the other 3 or 4 days doing a workout video, Nike Training Club workout, or cleaning at the local humane society for 3 hours. You'll notice that none of that is running. I pushed myself too hard during my last training run and got some bad shin splints. Now that my shins are healed, I'm going to start back up with my couch to 5k program next Wednesday. I also still haven't started my boot camp classes, because every time I call about activating my Groupon, it goes to voicemail and no one calls me back. Oh well.
That's about it with me lately. I've been doing a lot of DIY projects and finally convinced my husband to do the floors in the kitchen and entryway. And this weekend we are going on a trip to the Denver area to visit my aunt in Arvada, and my husband will be playing ultimate frisbee in a tournament in Boulder. I cannot wait for the cooler temperatures and to visit my aunt who I so very rarely get to see.
Also: I've been considering a Bodybugg. Pros and cons, anyone? Advice and suggestions welcome!!
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Weight Gain and a New Exercise Routine
I've tried different weight loss plans in the past, and for the most part, they've worked. I tried Weight Watchers, and that worked pretty well for me twice. This is the first time I'm using a more tailored approach for my fitness goals. See, Weight Watchers allows you to eat pretty much whatever you want within a certain "PointsPlus" range (which is based on Fat, Fiber, Protein, and Carbohydrate composition). Essentially, that means you could even eat a high fat diet as long as you stayed within the points range, and you would probably still lose weight because of how the plan is set up. However, for my goals, I really want to get FIT. Not just thin. So I'm trying to incorporate more protein than the average diet, and I'm working out more than I have in over a year. In all of my past diets, I've almost exclusively used running as my means of exercise. Now, I'm incorporating exercises that will lead to building lean muscle as well as cardio to burn calories.
Why am I telling you all of this? Well, I have been making the mistake of weighing myself daily. This is something that I do not recommend ANYONE do, ever, for the rest of their life, because, like me, you can become a little obsessed with it, and it can really get you discouraged when you really shouldn't be. But here is what I have noticed has happened:
Why am I telling you all of this? Well, I have been making the mistake of weighing myself daily. This is something that I do not recommend ANYONE do, ever, for the rest of their life, because, like me, you can become a little obsessed with it, and it can really get you discouraged when you really shouldn't be. But here is what I have noticed has happened:
- I have GAINED weight since my last post on Monday (more on this later)
- I have been following my 1200-calorie goal religiously (I always eat AT LEAST 1200 calories, no more than 1300, every day)
- I have been eating 35% protien, 35% carbs, 30% fat (goal was 30/50/20)
- I have been drinking a TON of water (around 12 8-oz servings a day)
- I went from being completely sedentary to working out an average of 70 minutes 5 times a week (and it will be even more once I finally start the boot camp)
How come I've gained weight? While I can't be 100% sure that this is what's going on because I didn't take any starting measurements, I'm pretty certain it's because I'm building muscle (yay!) faster than I'm losing the weight equivalent of fat. This is a very good thing, and something I'm willing to put up with, because lean muscle actually has a much higher metabolism (burns more calories) than the equivalent of fat does. Another thing to consider is this:
http://www.meh.ro/2011/12/30/muscle-vs-fat/
But, like I said, I can't be sure I've lost any inches since started my journey because I didn't take any beginning measurements. So, I'm going to start tracking my waist, hip, and body fat % measurements in addition to my weight and pants size. Also, and this part is key, I'm only going to take these measurements once every 2 weeks. I will put my scale away so I'm not tempted to jump on it just any old time. I'm going to aim for weigh-in days to be Mondays.
Today's measurements:
Weight: 174.4
Waist: 35.75"
Hips: 47.5"
Body Fat %: 34.7%
Pants: 16
I almost feel like I'm starting all over again, but I know in reality that isn't true. I know it because I feel better, I even feel a little bit more fit lately even though it's been such a short time. It's pretty amazing how quickly regular exercise and a healthy diet can start to make you feel better!
Monday, July 9, 2012
Let me introduce myself...
As this is my first post here, I thought I would give a little background about how I've found myself in this current situation. I have bipolar disorder. It actually explains a lot about my past that I didn't understand at the time, but which now makes a lot of sense. If you don't know much about bipolar disorder, here's the super short basic rundown: it is a mood disorder where the afflicted individual swings between extreme highs known as manic states and extreme lows known as depressive states. Many individuals cannot treat their depression episodes with traditional antidepressants, as they can trigger mania (which is the case with me, which I found out the hard way). So I take a drug known as a mood stabilizer, as well as an antipsychotic, which also acts to stabilize my mood. I also take a cocktail of drugs in addition to these. One of the unfortunate side effects of these medications can be pretty significant weight gain. Which, again, I found out the hard way.
This is a picture of me in college, before I became severely disabled by my disorder. I was about 120 pounds.
And this is a picture of me recently, at about 180 pounds. I'm on the far left.
So, let me briefly describe what happened: I got severely depressed. My doc at the time wasn't convinced I was bipolar, prescribed me an antidepressant, I became severely manic, had to be hospitalized and lost my job, crashed from the mania and went through a million different drug combinations while I fought depression, gaining weight both from depression and the drugs I was taking.
Luckily, I now have an awesome doctor, and I finally feel in control of my mood for the first time in more than a year. I am motivated to start getting active and eating healthy, and I'm really trying to commit myself to it this time. My goals are as follows:
Workouts:
This is a picture of me in college, before I became severely disabled by my disorder. I was about 120 pounds.
And this is a picture of me recently, at about 180 pounds. I'm on the far left.
So, let me briefly describe what happened: I got severely depressed. My doc at the time wasn't convinced I was bipolar, prescribed me an antidepressant, I became severely manic, had to be hospitalized and lost my job, crashed from the mania and went through a million different drug combinations while I fought depression, gaining weight both from depression and the drugs I was taking.
Luckily, I now have an awesome doctor, and I finally feel in control of my mood for the first time in more than a year. I am motivated to start getting active and eating healthy, and I'm really trying to commit myself to it this time. My goals are as follows:
Workouts:
- Run 3 miles 3 times a week
- Kayak 2 hours twice a week
- 90-minute Hot yoga once a week
- Boot camp class (55 minutes) twice a week
Diet: clean diet, 1200 calories, 30-40% protein, 20% fat, 40-50% carbohydrates, 5-6 meals per day.
That's about it. Cross your fingers for me. I'm already down to 172.4 pounds, so that's a good start. And I'm feeling better every day, both in my mind, and in my body.
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